Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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