I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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