You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
