3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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