this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
