So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
