Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
