According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
What drink are we having for lunch?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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