The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This is the high leading the old right now
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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