its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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