I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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