Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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