I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
