Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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