Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
