So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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