I think I died a long time ago.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
