I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
