anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
