my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
