i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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