I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
