Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
