i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
