I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
