Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
