My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
