A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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