I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
