The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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