Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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