The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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