I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
