and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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