Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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