You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
