If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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