Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Randomize
