my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
