Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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