she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
