It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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