i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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