i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
