we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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