Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
