well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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