Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
