Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
