Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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