Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
