Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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