I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
